Welcome to the Fun & Jokes Section!
This area is provided for a bit of light-hearted relief. So if you've any jokes or anecdotes of your youthful and lively Apprenticeship at the 'Austin', let us know at AustinExApps@aol.com
To get you started take a look at these............
Cherished Austin Seven
An old Ex-App is lying in a hospital bed and is on the critical list. His wife is by his bedside doing her best to try and comfort him.
He looks into her eyes and says: "Tell me darling. If I don't make it, will you promise me the following things?"
She looks back at him and gives him a supportive smile, and said: "I will do my best. Tell me what they are".
He then asks. "If you found someone else, would you let him into my garage and use my tools?"
She replies "Well, I know they are good ones and you have always looked after them, but if they were no longer being used they would rust and end up being dumped. So surely you would prefer them to be used"
He replied: "Your right. OK, I will accept that".
He then asked. "Would you let him wear my racing overalls?"
She replied: "Would you rather them be sent for re-cycling then? Because that means that they would be cut up for rags and could end up being used to polish a Ford!"
He said: "You're right again dear, perish the thought, I couldn't bear that".
He then said: "My final and most important question is. Would you let him drive my most cherished possession, after you of course, my lovely old Austin Seven?".
She looked at him with a loving smile, and said: "Definitely not, and I can say that without hesitation".
He lay back down closed his eyes and said: "Thank you. I suppose that that old car holds too many fond memories for both of us doesn't it dear?".
She replied: "No not really. It's just that he can't drive!". BOOM BOOM!
Shredder
A young engineer was leaving the office when he found the Acting CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the Acting CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the Acting CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need one copy."
Lesson:
Never, EVER assume that your boss knows what he's doing.
You're My Lobster!
Duncan the humble crab and Kate the Lobster Princess were madly, deeply and passionately in love. For months they enjoyed an idyllic relationship until one day Kate scuttled over to Duncan in tears.
"We can't see each other anymore." she sobbed.
"Why?" gasped Duncan .
"Daddy says that crabs are too common," she wailed. "He claims you are a mere crab, and a poor one at that, and crabs are the lowest class of crustacean...and that no daughter of his will marry someone who can only walk sideways."
Duncan was shattered, and scuttled sideways away into the darkness, to drink himself into a filthy state of aquatic oblivion.
That night, the great Lobster ball was taking place. Lobsters came from far and wide, dancing and merry making, but the lobster Princess refused to join in, choosing instead to sit by her father's side, inconsolable.
Suddenly the doors burst open, and Duncan the crab strode in. The Lobsters all stopped their dancing, the Princess gasped and the King Lobster rose from his throne.
Slowly, painstakingly, Duncan the crab made his way across the floor...and all could see that he was walking, not sideways, but FORWARDS, one claw after another!
Step by step he made his approach towards the throne, until he finally looked King lobster in the eye.
There was a deadly hush.
Finally, the crab spoke.......
"Shit, I'm Pissed!"
Divine Intervention?
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.. Can you please help me?
Sincerely, Edna
The postal worker was touched.. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went.
A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was £4 missing.
I think it might have been those b*****ds at the post office.
Sincerely, Edna
Taxi Ride
An unnamed Ex-Apprentice told me that he had been riding across London in a black cab (a FX4 I was advised) when he tapped then driver on the shoulder to ask how much further it was, he was already late for his meeting. The drivers reaction was beyond belief. He screamed, lost control of the taxi, nearly hit a bus, went up onto the footpath and finally came to a halt inches from a huge plate glass shop front window.
For a second everything was very quiet in the cab then the driver said ‘Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me.’ The Ex-Apprentice apologised and said that he didn’t realise that a little tap would scare him so much. The driver replied ‘Sorry, it’s not your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver – I’ve been driving a hearse for the last 25 years!!!!’
What the Hell?
The following is an actual question given on University of Washington Chemistry Mid term. paper.
The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct ...... leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+
A man, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is; until the ship sank.
He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing; only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?'
She replied, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.'
'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.'
'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.'
'But, where did you get the tools?'
'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.'
The guy is stunned.
'Let's row over to my place, ' she says.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As he looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, he can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually,
'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?'
'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed. 'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.'
'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?'
Trying to hide his continued amazement, he accepts and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor in the bathroom cabinet.'
No longer questioning anything, the he goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?'
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.
'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?'
She stares into his eyes...
He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes...
'F****** hell, don't tell me you've got Sky Sports?!!'
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Part of the Austin Apprentice Initiation Test
You are sitting in a car travelling at a constant speed.
On your left side the ground drops away and is 3 to 4 feet below the level you are travelling on and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a galloping zebra.
Both the horse and zebra are also travelling at the same speed as you.. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
For the answer, click and drag your mouse from star to star
* Get off the merry-go-round you're drunk!*
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Who Bought All the Pies?
An Ex-Apprentice was feeling hungry and as he walked past a street vendor he noticed a sign reading;
“2 Pies for £1”
“How much is one?” asked the keen Ex-App
“65p!” was the reply
“OK" he said, "I’ll have the other one!”
Quick Thinker
A man walked into the produce section of a London Tesco's supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent he be sold half a head and that the boy ask the department manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old git wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man was standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "and this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal and the man happily went on his way.
Later, the manager said to the boy," I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who can think on their feet here at Tesco’s. Where are you from, son?"
" New Zealand , sir," the boy replied.
"Why did you leave New Zealand ?" the manager asked.
The boy said "Sir, there's nothing there but ladies of the night and rugby players."
"Is that right? " replied the manager, "My wife is from New Zealand !"
"Really?" replied the boy, "Who'd she play for?"
Grass Eater
A rather wealthy Ex- Apprentice (who shall remain nameless) was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass on the roadside verge. He ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.
“Why are you eating grass?” he asked the man.
“I don’t have any money to buy food” the poor soul replied.
“Oh please get in the car and come to my house” said the wealthy Ex-App.
“But sir I have a wife and three children”
“Bring them along too" said Ivor (oops!)
They all climbed in to the limo and drove off.
The poor fellow said “Sir, you are too kind. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking us all in”
The wealthy Ex-App replied “No, no you don’t quite understand.
The grass at my house is Knee Deep!”
Understanding Ex-Apprentice Engineers
One
Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, 'Where did you get such a great bike?'
The second engineer replied, 'Well, I was walking along yesterday,minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said,
'Take what you want.'
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, 'Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway.'
Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Three
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, 'What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!'
The doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!'
The priest said, 'Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him.'
He said, 'Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'
The green-keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'
The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'
The doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them.'
The engineer said, 'Why can't they play at night?'
Four
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.
Five
The graduate with a science degree asks,' Why does it work?'
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, 'How does it work?'
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, 'How much will it cost?'
The graduate with an arts degree asks, 'Do you want fries with that?'
Six
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.
One said, 'It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.'
Another said, 'No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.'
The last one said, 'No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer.
Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?'
Seven
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
Eight
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, 'If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess.'
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, 'If you kiss me I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week.'
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, 'If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want.'
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, 'What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?'
The engineer said, 'Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool.'
An Ex-App is happily driving along in his car with his girlfriend when he's pulled over by the police. The officer approaches him and asks, "Have you been drinking sir?" The Ex-App replies "No why? was my driving erratic or negligent?" "Not at all sir" replied the officer. "Your drivings fine. It was that fat ugly bird sitting next to you that made me suspicious".
Posh Spice is trying to reverse her Ferrari out of the drive, and accidentally catches the side of the car on the gate post. Worried that Becks will see the damage and give her a spanking, she quickly drives down to the local car repairers to get it fixed.
The lads in the repair shop decide to have a bit of a laugh and tell her that if she takes it home and blows down the exhaust pipe the dent will easily blow out.
When Becks arrives home he sees Posh huffing and puffing like a good 'en with her lips around the exhaust pipe.
"What the hell are you doing ?" says David.
"I'm trying to blow the dents out" she replies.
"That will never work" said David.
"Why not?" says Posh.
Becks replies "You've left the windows open!"
A Collection of Lucas - Prince of Darkness Jokes
A collection of Lucas - Prince of Darkness jokes.
The Lucas motto: "Get home before dark."
Lucas denies having invented night. But they still claim "sudden, unexpected darkness"
Lucas--inventor of the first intermittent wiper.
Lucas--inventor of the self-dimming headlamp.
The three-position Lucas switch--DIM, FLICKER and OFF. The other three switch settings--SMOKE, SMOLDER and IGNITE.
The original anti-theft devices--Lucas Electric products.
"I've had a Lucas pacemaker for years and have never experienced any prob...
If Lucas made guns, wars would not start either.
Did you hear about the Lucas powered torpedo? It sank.
It's not true that Lucas, in 1947, tried to get Parliament to repeal Ohm's Law. They withdrew their efforts when they met too much resistance.
Did you hear the one about the guy that peeked into a Land Rover and asked the owner "How can you tell one switch from another at night, since they all look the same?" "He replied, it doesn't matter which one you use, nothing happens!"
Back in the '70s Lucas decided to diversify its product line and began manufacturing vacuum cleaners. It was the only product they offered which didn't suck.
Quality Assurance phoned and advised the Engineering guy that they had trouble with his design shorting out. So he made the wires longer.
Why do the English drink warm beer? Lucas made the refrigerators, too.
Alexander Graham Bell invented the Telephone.
Thomas Edison invented the Light Bulb.
Joseph Lucas invented the Short Circuit.
Recommended procedure before taking on a repair of Lucas equipment: check the position of the stars, kill a chicken and walk three times sunwise around your car chanting: "Oh mighty Prince of Darkness protect your unworthy servant."
Lucas systems actually uses AC current; it just has a random frequency.
An Ex-App and friend were playing golf on the Barnt Green facility, when, just as his friend was about to chip onto the green, he saw a funeral procession on the road next to the course, the Ex-App dropped to his knees, closes his eyes and says a little prayer.
His friend says: "Wow! That's the most thoughtful and touching thing that I have seen for a long time"
The Ex-App replies "Well, we were married for nearly 35 years".
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